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past / present / future 2

this picture is so old that I do not even remember it’s title …
One thing I have learned from going through old work is that I have always had short periods where I made really good work followed by much longer periods of mediocre, boring or downright bad work … Sometimes I have to check the dates on the files twice because I couldn’ t believe that I could make something that bad after having made some really interesting pictures … If this has been my rhythm for more then ten years, maybe I should stop panicking when I have a “dry spell” and allow myself to live and experience the world and actually fill my brain and my soul with new life instead of staring at a screen or forcing myself to do the same things over and over again.
During the last couple of years my life has become more and more organized, I have taken over responsibilites for jobs outside of my art practice due to my need for money combined with the general consensus that artists do not earn money with their art (says who, and why do I believe this?) and have somehow ended up being the one taking care of most of the household, cats and garden … All of this leaves me with little to no time to do things that I like doing , just for the sake of doing them … this means that more often then not I feel totally completely uninspired, mentally bored … and seriously frustrated.
And I am still poor.
And I have no idea how to break out of this.

knowledge and death

As a kid, late at night, when I couldn’t sleep, I tried to do something which now I can only describe as “going back in the mind”. I tried to go back to where everything began, and with everything I mean exactly that. Me, life, the universe. Everything. 
I asked myself questions and tried to find ever more complex answers. Why am I here, what is this place, this house, this village, this country, this planet, this universe, it was, now that I think of it, more of a zooming out then a going back. And, lying there in the dark, in my bed, in this house, in this village, on this planet, every so often I would arrive at something that felt like a thick black wall. And that thick black wall was in my head. And I knew that behind the wall lay all the answers. And that I could get there. But I also knew that I, as a human being, would be annihilated once I got behind this wall, pulverised, that my human mind would blow the moment I would finally be in the know. It would kill me. 
I can still remember how that felt and I am still unable to describe it. .